It’ll be my birthday tomorrow. My biggest wish for next year is for friends I can rely on, who I feel like I can really communicate with and who want to spend time with me. It’d also be great to have a partner — again, someone who is excited to talk to me, someone who really wants to understand me. I’d also love to have someone to cuddle up with. To some degree, I feel like I’ll be lost until I have that. Remember that documentary that showed a baby rhesus monkey, and it had two fake “moms” in its cage, one that was just a wire figurine and one that was a wire figurine covered in terry cloth, and how it preferred to cling to the terry cloth one? I feel like I’m the monkey who only had access to a wire one. I’m not young anymore, but I feel like I’ll be stunted until I get that sort of “soft parenting” experience.
I remembered that EL TOPO will be showing Tuesday night, and I can go see that. But still, will anybody go with me? I feel so chronically disappointed with people. Maybe I should be more forceful and honest about my feelings. It still bothers me that only one person came to see me when I was in the hospital, for instance, and I feel the reasons people did not come were petty. Whenever people here let me down (like when I post about a problem I’m going through and only people I know in the US respond), it’s like a kick in the stomach. I’ve thought about just cleaning house, quitting talking to a lot of people, to wipe the slate clean, because that might be less painful.