One thing I’m worried about being here is relentlessly downbeat. Really, I’m worried about being like that everywhere – and even the fact that I am worrying about it says something about my personality.
I grew up constantly being criticized, hearing that my achievements weren’t that great, that I would probably not be able to succeed if I tried, hearing all these regrets about their lives from my parents, all these stories about people who fell, broke a hip, ended up in a nursing home, that my room was a fire trap, that if I flipped lights on and off a fire would break out in a wall and burn down the house, that if I wore anything that hung down or back it’d catch in the wheels of a car and I’d die like Isadora Duncan, that people do not really like me, and that if it seems like they do it’s because they are faking it. This all had a huge influence on me, and on my outlook on life. I find myself making negative assumptions about people and situations. Even more scarily, once my mom was talking about my aunt. She was saying that the reason my aunt never got married is that people did not like to be around her because she was too negative (this is something I never noticed, and I do have an old picture of my aunt dressed like a man, which could say a lot about why she did not marry). My mom said to me, “You are too negative, just like your aunt. Nobody will ever love you and you will die alone like she did.” Despite the irony of this (telling someone they are going to die alone is pretty negative, I’d say) it really freaked me out. It’s like a sentence I have to try to escape.
So, I’m often scared of alienating people by being too depressive. Maybe it looks like I am more downbeat than I really am from reading here, because I think when I am happy I don’t think I write here much. Anyway, in one post (that I deleted) I was thinking that people always say you should be yourself, but how much of yourself should you be? What should you show? It seems like a big risk. If you show the ugly or strange side of yourself, maybe people won’t like you. However, if you hide that and post only happy things, people won’t really know you so you will feel lonely.
See, I’m afraid this post is too negative and depressing too.
Anyhow, in real life, I try to monitor myself. I try not to say too many depressing things. I know it’s a downer for the people around me. There are actually people I avoid because they are too dreary and end up making me feel bad. I know I also have to try to be happy – happiness I feel tends to be mixed with a sense of wariness, though. Is everything really okay? I am I right that I am happy? I feel like I have to make sure I do not get too excited because I have to be aware of what is going on around me. I have to keep in control of things and stay vigilant.