mf.rox

a couple days ago I was talking to the Dog Man on the phone. During our conversation, he said I should come back to Shanghai, and if we found out we “had destiny,” we could get married. I said, “Shenme?!? (What?!?)” and he said, “What? Don’t you want to?” and I said, “Ah … ah … it’s just that … we haven’t ever been together, and, uh, being friends is different than being together every day, and we don’t know if that will work or not. So, we should try and and see if we can get along on a day to day basis.” Then he said, “Yes, that’s what I mean.”

It’s so weird and overwhelming. It’s the first time someone has said they want to marry me, which seems impossible. The whole thing gave me a sense of guilt like, “Oh oh, what have I done now!” and I felt a little sick. It’s not that I was disgusted, it’s more freaked out, sort of like I have crossed over into the twilight zone.

Of course, I have been worrying about this ever since — do I want to settle down, is marriage the end of dreams, will I feel satisfied with everything, will it work, etc. I’m just scared that once I start having a relationship in real life I won’t be able to accept it, even though I fantasized about it, and even encouraged it.

Of course, I’m worrying about all the possible bad things or negative outcomes. I was talking to Curtis, and he said, “Don’t diss the party before you get there,” which is good advice. I also need to remember that the Dog Man (who now I feel guilty calling the Dog Man), is a reasonable person with common sense. Sometimes I don’t take the fact that another person is involved into account when I think about this stuff, or I just assume the person will be unreasonable.