How should my fake husband have died?
My university has an exchange program with a small American college. Every year they send some people there, I guess, and every year they send some people here to teach. For whatever reason, my marital status seems to be of great interest to these people. The first year I was here, I’d invited the three teachers out to a Democrats Abroad event, and one of the girls suddenly asked me, “How come you’re not married, and have you ever been in a long-term relationship?” I was really taken aback, especially because I got the impression it was something they had been talking about amongst themselves, and she had been tapped to ask about it. It was even more cheeky because of the nasty tone and the fact that they were out with me, at my invitation. I went out for a massage with one of the present teachers last week, and sure enough, out of the blue she asked me, “Why aren’t you married? Don’t you want to have children?” I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and answer nicely, rather than give the real answer, which is that it is none of her business.
From time to time I’ve thought I should just make up a fake husband, who died in some horrible tragic way. That way I’ll have a simple answer, and the person would think twice about asking someone that sort of question again.
So, let’s take a poll. How should my fake husband have died? (I originally thought of a lightning strike, a la THE PIANO, but that just didn’t feel right to me.) Here are the choices:
1) Attacked by a polar bear
2) Stabbed during a literary disagreement
3) Crushed in a stampede
4) Fell down a crevasse
5) Hurled to the ground from an exploding zeppelin
6) Tragic velodrome accident
7) Shrank
Please choose one and put your selection in the comments section. Thanks!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Suggested entry to be added:
8) he joined an expedition to China looking for rare,wild animals,and was unfortunately attacked and devoured by a “south China Tiger”.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Go for something simple.
A rare disease caught while on safari would do nicely.
And people all feel bad when it was sudden and unexpected. Brain anurism (how ever that is spelled) or tragic bungee jumping accident. The stampeed was quite good. Perhaps you were in Spain for the running of the bulls and he was trampled. You should cough up a few fake tears when you tell the story.
But on the other hand….. are you being a bit sensitive about this? I mean I get how come you got married so young on occassion. I think young people (as this college sends) are still looking for themselves, so when they come across and feel confortable enought around someone to ask that question, it may be because they do not yet have the experience.
Lots of people ask why Meng’s sister is not married (she’s younger than you) it seems people are curious. If you are already married, you perhaps feel envious that someone can still be single. Or perhaps you tell yourself that the reason you stay unhappily married is that you do not want to miss something so when you come across a single person who does not seem to be missing anything at all, it may cause you to wonder. If you are young and single, and you are thinking about when you may get married. Meeting someone who is older and unmarried may seem like a person to ask about not getting married.
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I think it has to do with the tone in which the question is asked.
Also it’s different if the person who asks is someone who I think knows me well enough to have a right to ask a personal question.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:36 am
I really enjoyed this post and looked forward to replying. For some reason your site was giving me trouble, and I couldn’t post right away. More time to think about it, I suppose.
I try pretty hard to be polite, but sometimes I question the value of politeness. Every once in a while I tell someone that my life is none of their business. I always find that satisfying. Honestly we live in an age when a person’s dignity and privacy are not valued at all. The most blatant nosing around is justified under the heading of ‘getting to know you better.’ If you want to know me, watch what I say and do.
If people are too dumb to get that, it might very well be appropriate to answer their questions with a lie. I don’t think your standard should be ‘what’s the most credible lie?’ Ask yourself which lie is the most fun to tell.
I laughed out loud at the idea of someone being stabbed over a literary disagreement.
I imagined the story as going something like this:
“My husband was stabbed defending his honor as a man of letters.”
Then you suddenly spit on the ground, stamp your foot and hiss, “filthy postmodernists.”
Then you refuse to discuss the matter further. This story might be helped along if you got a vendetta tattoo and carried an exquisitely beautiful handmade French switchblade. I guess it’s getting of complicated.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:39 am
oops. Getting kind of complicated.
February 24th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Last night I was thinking that I know a lot of people for whom the story of why they are not married, or why they don’t have a child is actually tragic. Another reason not to pry. One reason a friend of mine here is not married is that the woman he was engaged to died, and even though it was a long time ago, he still can’t talk about it. I have other friends who have had fertility problems, miscarriages, and something even worse (that makes me so disturbed that I don’t want to write it out here). My brother’s friend’s child died of SIDS.
Then there are the non-tragic, but complicated and traumatizing cases, like, “My wife became psychotic, attacked me with a lamp, thought I was trying to kill her, attempted suicide, and then …” That actually happened to a good friend of mine.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
That last example sounds very much similar to why I didn’t get married before I moved to Montana. Maybe you’re embellishing a bit of my story as your friend? :^)
Anyway, MF, it’s no secret that I’ve opted to live my life as an open book. Rox is proof enough of that. I mostly live by a philosophy of, “what’s the point of privacy?” I’m not trying to challenge you on this point, only to point this out: for a lot of people, the very idea that asking these questions might upset you probably never crosses their minds.
This seems to be particularly true of young adults. I’m sure you remember life in the dorms when anything was game, we’d all stay up late into the night talking about the most personal stuff in our lives, arguing archaic philosophical points that we’d only read enough about to be dangerous, etc. Discovering that other people in the world make different choices than our own friends and families have made — and that those decisions can have validity — is an important part of the college and immediate post-college experience.
I’m not trying to tell you that you should therefore open up to these people more than you’re comfortable with. I’m just saying, I think you should try to keep in mind that they’re not trying to be rude. They just want to understand you. Well, I shouldn’t say that with total confidence, but I suspect that’s the case in most instances…..
So what to do about it, since your own discomfort is equally valid? I think your ideas are fantastic. I’m with Jon — I laughed out loud at the literary disagreement one. His suggestions for elaboration are awesome. Of course, most of these ideas beg elaboration, and anyone brazen enough to ask you about your marital status might be nuts enough to ask details of the story. So you should probably elaborate it in your own mind!