mf.rox

So here is a rundown of what I did while in the US.  I started out in Philadelphia.  I’d hoped that I’d be able to use it as a home base from which to travel to Washington, D.C. to see my friend Adam, to go to Baltimore to see Rachel and Benn, and to go up to NYC to see Phil and Amanda.  It turned out, though, that Adam had already left for Alaska, where he is soon to begin a PhD in Community Mental Health.  Phil and Amanda’s schedules were so busy that we couldn’t make any dates work out, but fortuitously, they went to Indianapolis for their Aunt’s birthday, so I got to see them anyway.  As I’ve mentioned here, I did get to visit Rachel and Benn in Baltimore, and was also able to fly to Indianapolis on a buddy pass (provided by Clara’s boyfriend Robert), where I visited the Winslows and Johnsons.  While I was in Philadelphia I did a lot of shopping, mainly for books and footwear.  I got a cool pair of Italian leather boots at Daffy’s – original price (or intended original price, anyway) $450, on sale for $139.  That’s expensive, but it’s so hard to find boots in my size here that I got them.  I got a cool pair of shoes almost fifty percent off, and Susan J’s friend Wendy introduced me to the Second Mile second-hand shops in her neighborhood, where I got a messenger bag for 52 cents.  Bookwise, I scoped out used books and things on sale, getting David Sedaris’s DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN CORDUROY AND DENIM, THE DOGS OF BABEL, THE DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD, A HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS, and WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

I got the DIFFICULT RELATIVES book in preparation for going home, which I was hoping would go more smoothly than last time, when I got so mad at my dad that I ended up cursing and hurling a portable steamer against the floor.  It was his 80^th birthday, so I felt honor-bound to go.  Although my mom said not to buy gifts, I brought an electric fly-killing racquet (which Phil burned himself with while he was visiting here) and some sesame cookies in an attractive package.  Things didn’t get off to such a good start, though.  Right after I got in I was talking about the fitting model job I had gotten, and my dad said, “I guess they were looking for a fat ass.”  Soon after he and my mom were squabbling about directions and where to get ice cream.  I thought about telling them that I only come home once a year, so they ought to behave themselves, but I didn’t.  Later – maybe it was on my dad’s actual birthday, but I don’t remember – my dad referred to me as “it.”  This made me really furious, and I told him it was impolite.  Later on he asked me to teach him how to do something on the computer, and I got really angry and scolded him, saying that I came from the other side of the planet just for his birthday, so how could he be rude to me.  I said that I deserved respect.  I went on upstairs, where I stewed, and got a really big headache.  I was upset enough that I called my brother Chris and my friend Val so see if they could come and get me.  Both of them were at work, though.  After a while, my mom came and asked what I was so upset about.  I told her, and my mom said my dad was just making jokes.  I said that jokes were supposed to make people laugh, not hurt their feelings.   I said it was hard for me to bear, they way they talked to each other, and my mom was really surprised, saying that they were just kidding around, and that they had good life.  She’s said this before, and it always astonishes me, because she and my dad always act like they hate each other, or at least think the other person is an idiot.  I also said I didn’t know of anyone who would think calling someone “it” or “fat-ass” was funny.  She left, and I continued being angry, and a little sad at the same time because she was upset by this whole thing.  What happened next was super embarrassing, although maybe it should have been heartwarming or something.  Here’s what I wrote in my diary:

Then Dad came up and said that if I get my feelings hurt easily it’s because he does too but tries to hide it.  He was sort of crying and everything and hugged me and apologized.  It was strange because the whole time I felt very detached from what was going on, like I wasn’t really there or it would be really easy for me to forget it.  He also said they were all very proud of me, even Andrew, and he was very happy I had come home for his birthday.  Afterward I felt all odd and didn’t want to come downstairs.  I felt sorry I made him upset.  I’m also used to seeing him as just this mean guy.  Not thinking of him that way and thinking of him as a guy with vulnerabilities is not something I’m used to.  It’s funny how you want people to change, but if they do, it’s strange and awkward.  I don’t know how to act tomorrow.  I’m used to being emotionally closed off.  I feel nervous because I’ll have to be vulnerable and sincere, so be nice. 

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