Moved.
I watched the concluding episodes of Áô?Ëâ?Â?®Â°î tonight.¬† I was really moved and actually cried.¬† Partly that is due to the mutant man, who is such a good actor.¬†
It also took me back to my breast problem last year.¬† In this episode, the doctor got an MRI, just like I had last year.¬† (I wrote about it here.¬† Looking at that post again, I realized I never went back to have it rechecked like I should have!¬† Actually, I do have a lot of problems with my breasts.¬† I’ve started to sort of hate them.¬† Sometimes they hurt, I have to watch what I eat and drink because of the cyst thing … it’s just disgusting.¬† I have been thinking that if I get cancer it will probably be in my breasts.¬† One problem is they get sort of lumpy periodically, and because of that, it’s hard to know when I should get worried about my BSE.¬† I THINK I can tell the difference between something problematic and something that is just a cyst — the doctor explained it to me the first time I had the problem in Bloomington, but it’s still a worry that I will misinterpret things.¬†
I didn’t ever tell my parents about the problem I had last time.¬† Originally the doctor said that there was a 10% chance that there was some sort of tumor, and if there was, there was a 90% chance it would be benign.¬† But if I DID have to have some sort of operation, I think I would have kept it quiet.¬† Would it just be out of pride, that I could go it alone?¬† I was telling myself the reason I didn’t want to tell my parents was they would end up stressing me out more if they know, but there’s the pride element too.¬† And what if I really did have … (I’m scared to write it)?¬† Still, I would like to go it alone, for the experience.¬† By go it alone, I mean I’d deal with it with the friends I have and the people I know here rather than involve my family.¬† I think it would be less stressful for me.
But what about when your life is ending, and you have to look back at what you did … ?¬† I remember a passage in the Kol Nidre recording I have that asks, “What is our life?”¬† You would really have to answer that then.¬† And what if you weren’t satisfied with the answer?