mf.rox

What do you do when you are attracted to someone that common sense tells you is unsuitable for you? I think I’m attracted to the dog man, the guy whose dog I’ve been walking since the summer time. He’s smart and interesting. But on the other hand, he’s almost ten years older than me, didn’t even go to high school (although this isn’t that uncommon for Chinese people of his age). He has this big family (two brothers, two sisters, and a dad), who would certainly find out instantaneously if anything happened between us. Plus, because he runs a store that a lot of people in the neighborhood go to, lots and lots of people would find out about everything too. His family is actually very nice, but I’m not used to dealing with families of any kind. The guy also smokes a lot and spits. Plus there is the fact that usually, deep down, I’m disgusted by the human body.

I just feel confused, though. I do like spending time with this guy, and sometimes feel sort of lustful toward him. But maybe I am just horny in general? Maybe I need to have sex more? I also have an urge, to raise a child, despite the ambivalence I have about the realities of doing that. (I’ll have to keep it forever!) I felt kind of weepy today while looking at kids’ clothes at a store.

Eh, but there are all these things that make me think this is all unrealistic — the guy doesn’t speak English at all, he doesn’t speak standard Chinese well (so I don’t even know his surname because I couldn’t understand it when he said what it was). I don’t think he has a very big income, which might be embarrassing for him when compared with mine. Plus he doesn’t have any free time because he always has to stay and watch his dad and the store.

Still, I do chat with him every day. I like him a lot. Am I just throwing unnecessary roadblocks in front of something that could be fun? I’m a very “CAN’T” person. Am I just being too negative? Should I give it a try?

Any advice would be appreciated.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 at 6:03 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.