mf.rox

This was a two-part dream. I had the first part of it early last night, and the latter part just before I woke up this morning.

In my dream, I was in the stairwell of an American university building. I think I was upset about some sort of slight I had received, because I was feeling really touchy. All of a sudden, this other girl came down the stairs. She was tall and pretty, with long blond hair, and was holding a thick paperback novel. For some reason, I felt compelled, and even justified in, hitting her. As soon as I did it, I didn’t know where I could go from there, because she was angry, and would make a complaint against me. The only way out I could see was killing her, or at least knocking her out so she couldn’t remember what had happened. So, I started beating her up as much as I could, and she fell down the stairs (or I might have tried to make her fall). When she was laying there unconscious, I was aghast, and felt panicky, wanting to hide the evidence of what I had done. I found a big garbage bag, and stuffed her into it, head first. I went home, and then later that night, realized that she would inevitably suffocate in the bag and die. I realized it was too late to go and get her out. I could only wait until the body was discovered, and then I’d have to worry about whether anyone would know if I’d done it or not.

That was part one.

When the next part of the dream started, I was still waiting for them to find the body. Actually, it took about three days. People had just kept putting more garbage in the bag, without looking at what had gone in first. Eventually, a janitor discovered it. There was a big uproar. The girl’s family came to campus, her friends were very vocal, everyone was disgusted by the crime and was eager to find the perpetrator. Meanwhile, I was really guilt-ridden and scared. I really wanted to escape public shaming, but on the other hand, I knew I was guilty of murder. I kept thinking that I had always wanted to be a person who helped others, but now I had killed somebody, which is the cruelest think you could do. I found keeping the secret a huge burden, and really wanted to tell someone. I asked my mom if she knew I had killed someone, if she would go to the police, and she said yes. I was unhappy about that, but vaguely intimated that I had murdered the girl, which upset her. In the midst of all this, I was trying to keep my cool around the university (where I was a student), not give away that I knew anything about the crime, and deal with my guilt and anxiety. Somebody asked me about a blood stain I had on one of my boots, and despite wanting to keep out of trouble, I also felt strangely attracted, at this point, to all the notoriety I new I would get if people knew I had something to do with the crime. Still, being scared that my mom would really report what I had done, and tried to think of a way of getting out of trouble if she did. I started thinking that I should get a good lawyer. Maybe we could say that, although I hit the girl, she just fell down the stairs, and then I panicked and put her in the bag. I was hoping I could just get manslaughter for something like that, or maybe even reckless endangerment. I tried to compare the facts of my case with those of other cases, and their outcomes.

At that point, I woke up.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 11th, 2005 at 7:11 pm and is filed under General, Dreams. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.