I got two wrong number phone calls today from someone who sounded like Anthony Wong (the Hong Kong actor). It even kind of sounded like the man was speaking Cantonese in one of the calls. I was really tempted to call him back and ask him what his name was. If it really was him, he’d probably say something like, “Pok gai lei! Chee seen!”
Today I had this dumb conversation with a taxi driver. It went sort of like this:
Me: I want to go to Jiaotong University.
Driver: Jiaotong University? Near Xu Jia Hui?
(Jiaotong U. is one of the two most famous schools in Shanghai.)
Me: Yes.
Driver: Where in Jiaotong University?
Me: Well, I guess the main gate.
Driver: There’s no main gate.
Me: Well, take me to a gate.
Driver: There are lots of gates — the Huaihai Road gate, the Hongqiao Road gate, the Xu Jia Hui gate…
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Driver: There are lots of gates. Which gate should I take you to?
Me (pulling out a map): OK … the Huaihai Road gate. How about that?
Driver: THAT’S not the main gate!
He dropped me off at a small gate at Jiaotong University, I walked a few minutes, and lo and behold, what did I see, but the main gate!
I have a fever today, and I intended to stay in and relax. I had to submit my letter stating my interest in coming back to the university next year, though, so I dropped in to the graduate school. Afterward, I went by a clothing sale, where I saw a t-shirt that said “benign,” but didn’t buy it; went to a book store, where I got some Chinese children’s books for my friend Sheeta’s kids; last, I went to the local video store, where I got The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, a Bruce La Bruce movie, and Jess Franco’s Venus in Furs (which was wedged next to a copy of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers). The manager of the store tried to interest me in a film which I think was Bird with Crystal Plumage, although he didn’t know the English name. I asked him if it was scary and strange, and he said, “No, it’s dirty.” I hope I don’t have some sort of reputation as a dirty-movie buyer.
So, what to do when you’ve lost your sense of direction? I think I’m going through this problem right now, and I’m not sure even how to talk about it. There are some intersecting factors it might help me to list:
1. I realize, no matter what I do, I’m afraid of putting it out there to be judged. On one hand, I’m bored now so it would be good for me to take a Chinese class, or try to do some academic work again, but I’m afraid to put myself out there and have myself and my capabilities be judged.
2. I don’t have any really concrete plans for the future. I’d like to continue having a job I enjoy, and I’d like to continue making enough money to live on, plus a bit to save.
3. I still feel that dread thing with faced with romantic relationships. I’d like going to the counselor to help me with that.
4. Would my life be happier if I had a partner? I think it’s too empty now. One thing is that I was raised to believe I wouldn’t have a partner, and it’s tough for me to imagine having one. I just never thought it was possible. That and the dread cause real problems in this area.
5. I’m scared of permanence. I’d also like to have a kid, in one way or another, but I’m scared of getting into a permanent situation without a partner. What if I couldn’t handle it?
6. Shyness. I know it’d be good for me to meet more people, but it’s hard for me to get started.
I’ve got all these thoughts and different forms of discontentedness swirling around in my head right now. It seems that a lot of people are having a hard time right now – maybe it’s because spring is coming around. But although I’m having a hard time, I feel it’s a bit unreasonable for me to complain. My life is a lot more pleasant and a lot easier than a lot of people’s. Mostly the problems I have are just within myself. On a rational level I know that I ought to just force myself to get out there and do more stuff, and meet more people. That’s hard to do, though. If people were able to conquer themselves that way, they’d have way fewer problems. I’m also afraid that I’m lazy because I haven’t studied Chinese enough, done enough, or forced myself to get out there enough. Worrying about that is useless, though, I guess. I should just remember that self-definition should follow reality. If I do one thing, I have less to base this “lazy” label on. Maybe I can make myself feel much better (or at least somewhat better) by starting off doing one thing?
Well, I guess my moods are fluctuating because I have no sense of direction. I don’t have any goals, or any ideas what to do next. I don’t even know where I want to be. I’d like to live somewhere not too hot, not too cold, without hand-sized spiders, and where I could see interesting stuff happen on the street.
I had a really active day Friday. It was really sunny so I decided to go check out Tong Ji University.
It was a long hike from the nearest subway station to the school, but I like the area I had to walk through very much. There were a ton of nice, small, cheap shops, like the ones I used to visit in Shenzhen. There were a lot of clothing stores as well as, surprisingly, a shop that sold thick, American-style bathtowels for only 15 RMB (they ususally cost like 50 if you can find them at all). I bought a strange shirt for Leroy and a pair of incredibly ugly but charming gibberish pants for myself. The pants were only 10 RMB! There were a lot of really nice restaurants around, and the air was fresher than around ECNU (it actually smelled like water). The traffic was less scary too.
Tong Ji U. was a very nice-looking campus, but the school seems to be science and technology oriented rather than humanities oriented. They have a school of automotive engineering amd a disaster preparedness division to their civil engineering school.
After walking around for a while, I reconsidered visiting Fudan U., because I realized it would be a very long walk there. Instead I went into a net bar where I was finally able to use Flickr Organizr. I realized I was quite tired from walking around so much, so I scrapped plans I’d made to see House of Fury, the new movie directed by Stephen Fung, and just went home.
It turns out if I want to stay at this school next year, I have to hand in a letter of application. Unfortunately, I’ve got to give it the liason person for the graduate school, who I’ve gotten pissed off at several times. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t seem to be able to do anything right, doesn’t know where anything is, and whatever information he gives you turns out to be wrong. I’m afraid I’ve been short with him, and also sometimes I’ve given up and switched over to Chinese when talking to him (he’s supposed to speak English, but he really can’t very well), which could potentially offend him too. So, I’m wondering if he really does think I’m kind of a bitch, and it will hurt my chances to come back next year.
Of course, a little earlier, I was thinking I should just get out of Shanghai, but being realistic, wherever I went, I’d just have to start all over again and make new friends. I don’t know if I could cope with that right now. Maybe I should stay here and build on what I have.
There were ten or more Buddhist monks in the classroom next to mine this morning. I wonder what they were doing there. I’d never noticed them before. If I see them again next week I’ll ask why they’re there, or even try to talk with them a little bit.
I’ve discovered one key to getting a lot of people to look at your Flickr photos is to include a monkey in the picture! People seem to love that!
I have this one student from last semester who REALLY wants to be my friend. The problem is, she gives me a really bad vibe. She gives me the same sort of bad feeling as the psycho-student who gave me so much trouble at IU. Of course, this is wrong of me, but I accepted her help a lot when I was hurt. Then (and I’m leaving out some details here) she did something that seemed like a really overt sexual advance, although she has a boyfriend. I don’t want to get mixed up in some sort of confused, creepy sexual situation. After that, I sort of avoided her, although I acted vaguely pleasant when we ran into each other. I didn’t give her my new phone number when I moved, but now she’s e-mailed me asking for it. I might just resort to the “oops wrong number” ruse — I’ll transpose two digits in the number. Then she’ll be satisfied but on the wrong track for a while. I know it’s duplicitous, but if I tried to be open about my feelings/worries, it woud be much worse.
To tell this story a bit out of order, I’ll mention that I hate it when I get cell phone calls. I guess they feel intrusive. So when I got a call from someone on Friday, I was sort of short on the phone at first. Actually, it turned out to be one of my students, who was calling me because she had to cancel plans to have dinner with me. It turned out it was because she had had a breast tumor removed in her home town, the doctor had just called her with bad news about it, and asked her to back for Shenyang immediately for more treatment! So I was bitchy to her, on top of her other problems! I was really apologetic. I still feel bad about it. I e-mailed her yesterday to ask how everything’s going, but I haven’t heard anything back yet.
Cost: 6 RMB (approx. 70 cents)
One bad thing about having the pigeon people upstairs is that the birds kick down all sort of debris — there’s always corn, seeds, feathers and pigeon poop falling down on my patio. There was some sort of plastic awning protecting it, but now it’s really decrepit and full of holes. Because of all this falling crap, I couldn’t hang my laundry out to dry. My (provisional, anyway) solution was to buy a cheap shower curtain and it up as a new little awning that will hopefully keep everything much cleaner.
Yesterday while walking home from class, out of the blue I ran into Bee Lee Wei, one of my old students in Shenzhen! I was really astonished. It turned out he’d been in Shanghai for two years. How much of a coincidence is that –in a city of 20 million people, I randomly walk into someone I know? Actually, Shanghai seems like the place for coincidences — the first time I was here, walking out of a crowded subway station, I walked into another American I knew from Shenzhen; the second time when I went to visit Mary Ann Koruth and her mom, I found other the woman who lived across the hall from her mother had been college roommates with a high school friend of mine’s sister, and earlier this year I found out my French colleague used to live in Baltimore and shop at Atomic Books.
I got a text message from my new masseuse tonight saying that he’g going back to his hometown. I feel sort of weepy and disbelieving. I can’t believe I’m so sad, because I’ve only known him for about three weeks! He was a fun guy, and talkative, and I liked going to him. That’s one bad thing about China now — people are really transient. I was also really sad when 15 and 13, my Shenzhen masseuses, went back to Wuhan without any warning. I’d know them for almost three years! They even tried to find me a husband! I was left with no way to get ahold of them. Actually, I really considered them my friends.
I admit it! Today I bought something that has fur on it! I didn’t even think about it until after I had paid! Ironically, I was thinking earlier today about how I think it’s tacky to wear fur coats, unless you live somewhere incredibly cold, or are some sort of aboriginal person. The item is a long down coat (suitable for the freezing weather that has come back to Shanghai) with fur trim of some kind on the hood. I’d speculate that it’s dog fur, but I can’t be sure. Well, I can’t do anything about it now. The whole thing made me think back to my Soviet film professor, who asked me to not to eat dog any more. I doubt she’d be happy about this fur thing either.
Yesterday I got on the elevated train near my house, and right in front of me, there was this migrant worker carrying a big bundle. For some reason, he was wearing tap shoes! I bet he didn’t even know what they were for (because tap dancing isn’t exactly popular in China), and bought them because they were cheap. Maybe they were factory seconds or something.
This phrase was in one of my dreams this morning.
Tonight one of my students said to me, “I was born in 1965 and you were born in 1970. I’m two years older than you.”
I’m not sure what the temperature is now — maybe about 14 C? It’s a nice change. I think I’m going to go outside and see if I can finish the roll of film in the waterproof one-use camera I have.
Somebody who lives near me often cooks something that smells really wonderful around dinner time. It smells like chicken being roasted on a rotisserie. Then I noticed that the people above me raise pigeons. I think my neighbor’s having pigeon for dinner.