I’m slowly getting closer to being ready to move. Actually, I’m having trouble getting everything as done as quickly as I’d like, but hoping that since I started out early everything will be done on time. Tomorrow I plan to try to sell some books at a secondhand bookstore, although it’s not totally necessary for me to do that. I could just leave them at work. However, because some of them are hardback, I was thinking I might be able to get some money for them.
One awkward thing happened. This woman I work with wanted to organize some sort of party for me and for another colleague who is leaving. We couldn’t agree on a day or time, he lives in Minhang and I live in Xujiahui, he doesn’t like Chinese food so we had to try to find someplace not Chinese. Finally I got a bit irritated and told her I don’t actually need a party and really didn’t mind if it didn’t happen at all. She was mad, I think, and cancelled it. Then she was very cold to me today and didn’t chat.
That seems to be the way it is when people move. Last time I left China one person told me at the last minute she was having a breakfast for me one morning after I had been up late hosting a party myself. She wanted it to be at a place which would take me 1 1/2 hours to go by subway, or to take a long and expensive cab ride (if I could even get a taxi). The restaurant served food that I was not super keen on. Even though I said I could not go, that I would be too tired, and if she wanted to do something for me I would like it to be near my house, the person did not listen. In the end, I never even went. I was just too tired, and it was too far to go. I felt like the party was not for me, but for the person giving it. Parties are like that a lot, I think.
I’ve had an idea for a submission to Arrested Westeros for a long time — at least a year. Today I finally made it. I went to submit it, and it turns out the person who does the site wants you to use her Photoshop template, and if you can’t, she’d like you to just describe your idea to her so she can make it herself. I was a little disappointed, but I’ve done it, and now I just have to wait and see what her reaction is, and if my idea will end up on the site.
Stay tuned! I’ll post a link immediately if it’s accepted!
This is a quilt I was making for a baby’s crib. It was nearly done when I came to China. I was going to finish it when I came here, thinking that if things worked out well between the Dog Man and I, I would eventually use it for our baby. However, now there’s no Dog Man and no baby. I’m taking it back to the US unfinished.
The solid red parts of the quilt are a fuzzy chenille.
My friend Zhao Jian Rong, who I always called the Dog Man, believed in Pu Sa, who is a manifestation of Guanyin Buddha, so I went to burn offerings to her on his behalf last Thursday. I went to Jade Buddha Temple because online I saw they had a statue of Pu Sa. Actually, I had been to the temple a couple times before, once with my friend Joe, when he was accompanying the Rocky Mountain Ballet on their Chinese tour. That time, we burned an offering for Joe’s dad, who had just died of stomach cancer, while a Native American dancer named Shonto Pete chanted a prayer for him.
Anyhow, I went to get some of the “hell money” and paper ingots at the temple store. The lady explained to me that the ones I was originally buying were actually for another deity, so they directed me to one which were specifically for Pu Sa. I got quite a big package of them (fifty or sixty in total). I was supposed to open them up and make them be shaped like a gold ingot, and then put them into a furnace. It was not so easy, but I got the hang of shaping them after a while. A Russian family kept taking pictures of themselves at the offering cauldron while I was doing it, and they took pictures of me too, which is kind of not cool. I just ignored it and concentrated on making the offering.
Last week when I was at the home for blind & visually-impaired kids, I taught one of them how to get the CD player to play the same song again and again. After we listened to “Black Cat Police Chief” like fifteen times in a row, I thought, “Man, I bet the ladies who work here are not going to be happy about this.” I think total, we listened to the song close to fifty times. I got there today, and lo and behold, that CD was nowhere to be found. Today’s song was “Hey Lolly Lolly,” which I think we listened to about twenty-five times. Will the CD be there next week? Only time will tell!
They’re by Jacopo Rosati and will take you back to your youth!
The Childlike Joy of Comics Rendered in Felt
Today I went to play with the kids at an orphanage for blind and visually-impaired children. There is this one kid, Tom, who is almost ten and is totally blind. I was sitting in the playroom and he climbed up on my back and started feeling my neck. Then he asked me what was wrong with it. I was like, “How did you know there is something wrong with my neck?” and he said, “I don’t know.”
People say here that blind people make the best masseuses because of their sense of touch is extra-sensitive. It’s interesting that he knew there was a problem just through touch although he didn’t have any training and couldn’t put his reasoning into words. I guess it proves that what people say about this is true.
Tonight I gave the Dog Man a call, even though he was so strange and distant last time. Partly I wanted to find out if he wanted to me to return the quilt and other things he had lent me before before go back to America, but another big part of it was that I wanted to know for sure if it really was him I talked to last time. It didn’t sound like him at all, and I was wondering if it was actually his older brother, who is really mean, and who I could imaging lying to me about Alice.
The phone rang about ten times before somebody answered, and the person on the other end sounded really strange. I asked who it was, and it turned out it was his other older brother, the one who is nice but who seems a little slow. He said his brother wasn’t there. I took the opportunity to ask what had really happened to Alice, if he still had him or not. He said “He got sick, so he gave him away” — but in Chinese, he, she and it all sound the same, so I asked who got sick. At first I thought the dog was sick, but then it turned out it was the Dog Man. I asked what was wrong, and it turns out he had lung cancer! I asked if I should go see him, or if he didn’t want to see me at all. I couldn’t understand the answer because his brother speaks unclearly. He said he was not there, and I asked if he was in the hospital, and the older brother said he was dead. I was like, “Really? Really?” because I couldn’t believe it. He was like, “Don’t worry about it.” I was like, “Wait? What?” I was wondering if I had misunderstood the whole conversation, because the older brother seemed so nonchalant. But we kept talking, and according to the brother, he really is dead. I guess the cancer was why his voice sounded so strange last time he talked to me.
I don’t even feel upset now. Maybe a little nauseous. It’s so strange. I almost don’t believe it. The older brother was so chipper on the phone. He didn’t sound sad at all. He is not quite right in the head, though, although he’s sort of a nice guy.
Am I in shock? I don’t know. It’s all so strange.
My big news is that indeed, I did get the job I interviewed for. I accepted it. I’m a bit scared of making the move, especially because I’m going to go from such a big city to a small town. I’m also starting to think of all the mistakes I made while I was here — why didn’t I do this, why didn’t I try that, why didn’t I get in touch with that person… but it’s not healthy to think that way. I did need a change, and now I’m going to have one. I’m hoping to feel more happy and fulfilled where I’m going. I think because I will be in an ESL department I will feel more valued and less stranded than I do now, which will be nice.
Today on impulse I called up the Dog Man. On one hand, I’ve felt sorry that I hadn’t talked to him in a very long time. On the other hand, he hadn’t talked to me either. I called today and barely recognized him. I wasn’t even sure it was he I was talking to or if it was his brother. I asked how Alice was, and he said he had given her away! Apparently, she bit somebody, so he had to get rid of her. Then he was like, “Well, that’s it. Okay. Bye.”
It’s the end of an era, officially, I guess. When I came back the Dog Man was so different I felt like he wasn’t even the same person I knew, and now he doesn’t even have a dog anymore. It was because of Alice that I met him in the first place. He didn’t even want to talk to me either. So, our friendship is gone, too.
It’s sad. He changed so much. I wonder if I should have worked harder to pull him out of the depression he was in because of his dad (or anyway, that’s what I think he was going through). He was just so angry and dirty, though, and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. My Chinese wasn’t good enough.
I hope Alice is okay. I worry that something else really happened to her, like she was put to sleep. I wish I had known what was going on.
I had a job interview tonight. Really, I don’t know how it went. I don’t feel great about it, although I don’t know if that is just myself being overly self-critical or what. I think I talked too much, and said too much about what the goal of a writing class should be, more than giving the specifics of what I do in class.
Today at I party I overheard somebody ask, “How can you like Jon Snow? His hair looks like instant noodles.”
I’m getting rid of stuff already, even though I haven’t gotten a job. I DO have an interview this week, but still … I do have to do some more job applications.
I’ve been wondering from time to time if I’m making a mistake, moving to someplace that will almost certainly be smaller and have fewer opportunities than Shanghai. I’m also wondering how much of my unhappiness has been my own fault. Maybe I should not analyze this TOO much, though. There is no telling what interesting stuff may happen in the future. Plus, there has just been so much crap here over the past four years, so many disappointments and disasters. To some degree, I may not have been perfect, but unexpected deaths and unexpected changes have had a big impact on my life. I’d say I’m in a bad place lately where I’m feeling negative about so many things that I would really benefit from something new. I really want a change. I want to be surrounded with people and things that make me feel good.
I had a dream last night that I died, but then the dream just continued on with me doing stuff as a dead person. Is that kind of unusual?
It started out that I was on a road trip with four people — me, Curtis, a young college-aged girl I didn’t know before and someone else. We were someplace that seemed kind of deep South and I had gone into a library to kill time. I tried to leave, but they wouldn’t let me because I didn’t have the right card. I only had my metrocard, which I insisted worked all over the United States. There was a big, belligerent crowd, and I was stuck there for like two hours. They way it all got resolved was that Curtis had to pay some money. I was indignant that we had to pay to use the library, on principle (even though the amount was only about four dollars). I wanted to argue, but he was against it, and we left.
I supposed we should be relieved to be back on the road again. We drove for a little while, and then came around a curve to a fabulously beautiful city with all these temples everywhere, like very clean, well-kept Angkor Wats. We were distracted by the scenery, which was unfortunate, because there were stone pillars in the middle of the highway. We crashed into one. I thought, “I guess I must be dead now. Well, I guess that’s ironic.” (I thought this because we were so glad to have just gotten on the road again.)
The interesting thing is that I didn’t mind being dead at all. I didn’t have any sense of loss or regret or anything. It was just like being alive, but a bit “milder” or “flatter.” I just wondered if now that I was dead I could go around without my shoes on, and if I would be able to keep in touch with the people on the road trip. I could even talk to other people. Best of all, I got to keep sightseeing!
I haven’t said anything here for a long time, although I’ve wanted to. Being accurate and filling stuff in just seems like it would take too much time. Plus, I’m not sure what I have to say would be particularly interesting.
I changed one of the medications I was on to something that supposedly wouldn’t make me gain weight, but the second one made me gain even more and feel angry. I quit that, as well as the other new medicine I was taking. I’m stuck with ten or twelve extra pounds, though, which is bizarre. It’s like I was suddenly inserted into this fat suit — or, I guess a suit with extra fat, because I am not huge or anything. However, it’s a big, weird change, since it happened over just a couple of weeks. Now I’m having to think more about diet and exercise. I also can’t wear the majority of my clothes right now, which is a problem. I’m hoping I can get most of it off in the next couple weeks.
I also gave notice at work. This is despite not having found a new job. During the break, I was too tired, nervous and depressed to tackle it, and in this semester, I’ve been too busy to get much done. I have actually sent out three, with one rejection so far. I’m aiming to send out another tomorrow.
Of course, I do feel confused about everything. I don’t know what I want to do. Well, mostly I want to be a housewife and be taken care of, just for a while. I’m tired of being alone, being nobody’s first priority, and taking care of myself. I feel dumb just saying that!
Some parts of it freaked me out. Great looking, though!
Director of the very cool Daisies.
For the first time, I have medication-related weight gain.
The therapist I was seeing decided to switch me to another medication, but then when I was feeling worse, she just wanted to up the dose. I’d really lost faith in her, so went back to my original doctor, who changed everything around. I’m on something that is supposed to ease anxiety, but unfortunately has made me gain what, for me, is a lot of weight. It’s kind of horrible. I’m almost 68 kilos now, as opposed to 64 when I came back from the US (and I was anticipating going back down to 62 instead.
I’m not sure if this is going to continue or just flatten out at some point. I’ve been exercising a bit, but that hasn’t really done anything. Anyway, it’s crap. Is it worth changing medications again? I don’t know, but I shouldn’t have switched in the first place, I think.
That terrorist attack on the first happened in the same train station where I started my longest train ride ever: 48 hours from Kunming to Shenzhen. I remember Eric D. spilled a beer in the waiting hall where it sounds like the majority of the killings happened.