I’ve gotten super frustrated lately in my attempts to connect with people. When I do that, from time to time, I kind of lash out, but in an unfocused and vague way. I put this online:
Okay, I give up. I don’t think I have the emotional wherewithal or the patience to try to make friends anymore. When I try, it just ends up in frustration or humiliation.
People say they’re going to come out for dinner with my co-workers and I, then none of them show up, making it look like my friends must be imaginary or something.
I invite people out, and it’s like,
“That’s too early.”
“That’s too late.”
“It’s on the wrong day.”
“It’s too local.”
“It’s too ‘expat’.”
“They don’t have enough English songs.” (for karaoke)
“They have too many English songs.” (for karaoke)
“I can’t give you an answer after I hear from other people.” (So they’ll only go if they don’t get a better offer?)
“I can’t go because I’m going out with my friends.” (Apparently I don’t fit in that category.)
If people say yes, they:
1) Don’t actually show up.
2) Show up nearly an hour late, which is embarrassing if we are meeting at a restaurant and I am sitting there alone.
3) Show up like 2 ½ hours late.
If I have a party, it’s like,
“You didn’t have enough food.”
“You had too much food.”
“You didn’t have the right kind of food.”
“The food wasn’t expensive enough.”
“You didn’t have the right kind of alcohol.”
“You had too much alcohol.”
“I don’t drink alcohol but I was embarrassed for you because the alcohol wasn’t expensive enough.”
“You don’t know how to plan parties right so you shouldn’t do it.”
If I go to a party, it’s like,
“Oh, you didn’t bring anything. That’s bad.”
“Oh, you brought something. That’s bad.”
“Oh, you brought the wrong thing. That’s bad.”
“Oh, you brought something but it wasn’t expensive enough”
“Oh, you brought something but it was too expensive.”
If I give someone a gift,
“Oh, that gift was too expensive.”
“Oh, that gift wasn’t expensive enough.”
“Oh, that gift wasn’t any good.”
“Oh, the gift you bought was for somebody else but I think it was a bad gift because it was too ______.”
How spoiled are people, anyway?
I think I should just get satellite TV and stay in my house until I can get out of here. If I have no more expectations at least I won’t be disappointed.
Maybe it’s bad. JB suggested that it will make people who are loyal to me feel hurt. I don’t know. I guess the bottom line is that I feel disappointed with my friendships here, and scared to talk to the people involved directly because I don’t know if I am unreasonable asking people to be punctual, to not cancel plans on me, etc. Often I also feel like I have nothing to offer, or what I have to offer people don’t want, so I have to walk on eggshells, because it will be very easy for people to drop me as a friend.
On the other hand, I sabotage or don’t take chances to become friends with new people. I don’t pursue relationships or connections as much as I should. It’s because of anxiety. I don’t know what people want from me, and that makes me very nervous. I don’t know what will happen in the future, and that makes me nervous too. I don’t know if I can keep up with people who are more active or emotional, which makes worried. Lately I’ve also developed an expectation of failure, that I will fail to connect, or that the person will drop me because they find me unsatisfactory.